Luv Vanessa

Nine words women use... Take Note!!!

2008-01-31T08:40:00.000-08:00

1.)Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.)Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.)Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.)Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.)Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.)That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.)Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.)Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.)Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Which Came First?

2008-01-18T09:52:00.001-08:00

Which came first? The job or the drink?

Sometimes it takes a good drink to get the job done!
You can tell them I said so.
Luv,
Vanessa

It Takes 2.... Minutes to lose him

2008-01-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

How to LOSE a guy in 2 minutes....

1. What are you doing tomorrow? Wanna meet my mother?

2. Got any penicillin?

3. How are you with kids? Well, you're about to find out real soon.

4. I really should have used that ointment.

5. I had a wonderful time last night, you didn't touch my rash did you?

6. Does pus gross you out?

7. It's okay, I haven't had an outbreak in over three weeks, I think.

8. Who needs a pill? You can't get pregnant when you already are!

California has Four Seasons!

2008-01-18T09:32:00.000-08:00

1. Wild fires
2. Mud Slides
3. Earthquakes
4. Riots

Free Booty Camp Workout!

2008-01-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

http://nypoledancing.com/default2.asp?active_page_id=216

2007 Recap

2008-01-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/274/in_2007

Brittney Spears, I challenge you to out do yourself in 2008!!! Bring it on!

Breaking Up With Our New Year Resolutions

2008-01-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Social Diva Newsletter Everywhere
Diva Commandment #4: Thou Shall Love Thyself, Because Thyself is FABULOUS!

Breaking Up With Our New Year Resolutions
Here we are, fifteen days into the New Year, and we – along with most if not all of our Diva pals – have already dropped the proverbial ball on our New Year’s resolutions. But are we bummed out? Nope. Disappointed in ourselves? Never. Saddened by the fact that we’ve overshot our level of willpower yet again? H-E-double-hockey-sticks NO! As Social Divas, if we know anything, we know this: New Year’s resolutions were made to be broken. There’s no shame in that game. And to prove it, we’re going to share the ten resolutions we and our posh posse have already broken – along with our justifications for doing so:
1. Join the Gym – Yeah. Right. Last time we checked, that’s $50 plus dollars a month that would be much better spent on shoes.
2. Quit Eating Chocolate (and other sweets) – That was a great idea, until we saw the dessert table at one of our favorite restaurants. The joy we get from one bite of decadent chocolate mousse is well worth the calories – besides, we’ll just hit the treadmill for an extra twenty to burn off any guilt.
3. Quit Drinking – Life without martinis? We shudder at the thought. Besides – if we quit drinking, how would our favorite bartenders fare financially? Therefore, we continue to cocktail for the good of all people!
4. Get Out of Debt – Our stiletto obsession does not allow us to pay off our credit cards…. So, needless to say, this one is OUT!
5. Clean Out Our Closets – Let’s take a poll. Raise your hand if you thought skinny jeans would ever come back in style. Mmhmm, that’s what we thought. Proving that, in fashion, everything comes back eventually; therefore we should never throw any of our clothes away.
6. Get Organized – We ARE organized, just not in the same way as other people might define ‘organized.’ Just because a stranger wouldn’t be able to find an invoice from February 1995 in the jumble that is our desk, doesn’t mean we can’t.
7. Stop Spending Rent Money on Shoes – …..Wait, hang on, we have to get up off the floor because the thought of this resolution sent us in to such a mental tailspin we literally collapsed.
8. Learn Another Language – We tried. We REALLY did. But we were too distracted by our incredibly hot Italian teacher, Antonio. Ciao!
9. Spend More Time With Family – We thought long and hard about this one, then we thought about how ridiculous our family holiday get-togethers are, and the idea of spending extra time with Grandma Hazel and Grandma Tilly made us think twice about this resolution.
10. Lose 10 Pounds – Why? We’re fabulous just as we are. Plus, if we lost ten, our ultra-glam Gucci pants would no longer fit like the glove that they do now, and that, Divas, would be a crime against the fashion gods themselves.

Baby Got Back!!! OMG Becky, Look at her BUTT!

2008-01-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

http://www.lovemybubbles.com/video.shtml

Junk in the TrunkHave an L.A. face but crave an Oakland booty? Baby got back in Love My Bubbles collection of butt boosters, slimming shapewear, and hosiery!!!

Top Thoughts for 2008

2008-01-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 5

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you
still can't
help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Number 2

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:We know exactly where one cow with
Mad-cow-disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't
got a clue
as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should
put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

I'm Scared and Scarred!!!

2008-01-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

After my experience with the ex New Year's weekend, here's what I have been up to.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If penetration only happens for a few seconds, can a woman get pregnant? Anytime the penis comes into direct contact with the vaginal area, there is the chance of pregnancy. The chance may not be as high as if intercourse with ejaculation took place, but there is still a risk. The transmission of STDs can also happen through any type of skin to skin contact like this.

Can pregnancy occur if a woman and a guy have faux sex or dry sex? (This is when there is no penetration, but there is skin to skin contact of the genital area.) Again, anytime the penis and the vaginal area come into contact, there is the slight risk of pregnancy and a risk for STD transmission.

Can a woman get pregnant from pre-ejaculation? Pre-ejaculation is the liquid that seeps out of the penis before ejaculation occurs. Most guys have no control over it and cannot feel it coming out. This type of fluid does have sperm in it and can result in pregnancy. This is part of the reason why the withdrawal method of birth control is not as effective as other methods.

Can pregnancy occur if the woman does not have an orgasm? Yes, pregnancy can occur even if a woman does not have an orgasm. An orgasm is not related to an egg being available for fertilization.

Can sperm travel through clothing or material? If the clothing was completely saturated with semen and was in direct contact with a woman’s vagina, there is a very slight chance the sperm could enter the vagina, but this is highly unlikely. No conclusive studies have been found to give a definite answer on this possibility.

Can a woman get pregnant from having sex in water? If actual intercourse takes place in any type of water, pregnancy is definitely a possibility. This is because intercourse will allow the sperm to be directly deposited in the girl's vaginal area, and the water on the outside of the body would not interfere with this.

Can pregnancy occur if ejaculation takes place in water? It is not likely that tiny sperm could travel through the vast area of water that would fill a pool, bath tub or hot tub to reach a girls vagina and result in pregnancy. If ejaculation occurred in plain warm water, sperm could survive for a few minutes. If ejaculation occurs in very hot water, or water filled with pool chemicals, bubbles or other substances, sperm would not be able to survive for more than a few seconds. Pregnancy occurring from this is very unlikely and in most cases is not possible at all.
Can pregnancy occur from having anal sex? Pregnancy cannot occur from the act of anal sex, but because the vaginal opening and the anus are very close together, there is the chance that sperm could leak into the vagina and travel to fertilize an egg.

Can ejaculating numerous times lessen the chance of pregnancy occurring? The number of times ejaculation takes place does not affect the chance of pregnancy. Each ejaculation contains about 300 million sperm, and only one is needed to fertilize an egg.
Is sperm dead once it reaches the air? Does oxygen kill sperm? No, this is a myth that many people believe in, but it is not true! Once sperm is DRY it is dead and cannot travel to fertilize an egg. Sperm can live for 3-5 days if it is in a warm, moist environment such as the cervix of a woman. Sperm cannot come back to life once it has dried, even if it is remoistened!

Wondering about pregnancy, what do I do next? You may have just discovered that pregnancy is a possibility in your particular circumstance. Don't panic; as noted above, in most cases the possibilities of pregnancy are rare. Your next step is to begin watching for early pregnancy symptoms. If you experience any of these symptoms then you will want to take a pregnancy test. You can take an over the counter test, or you can contact the Association to locate a testing center in your area.

Luv Vanessa

Hugs All Around

2008-01-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

Vanessa LOVES animals,
because nuclear arms can't wrap their arms around the world
and give it a big HUG.

or SWINGLE.
; )

Luv,
Vanessa

SWINGLE, Vocabulary Lesson...

2008-01-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Vanessa LOVES to SWINGLE.... swing with other singles in NYC, as many as possible at any one time.

Leave all weddings rings at the door, don't ask don't tell policy.

We REALLY love One Taste, check it out and blow your mind, along with other things...

; )

Cheers,
Luv
Vanessa

Our New Fav Group!!!!

2008-01-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

OneTaste Urban Retreat is expanding to serve the hearty appetite of New York City. Join the burgeoning OneTaste community as we venture towards greater intimacy, community, desire and orgasm in the city that never sleeps.

GOOGLE IT!!!!
(and then join me there!)

LUV Vanessa

Meditation Anyone???

2008-01-07T16:12:00.001-08:00

I'm all for self awareness, discovery, grounding.
OMMMMM
But ORGASMIC Meditation, come on! It exists, I'm telling you.

Just when I thought I'd met all the freaks on-line dating, another one pops up. He e-mailed me today and mentioned that he took a class in NY on Saturday with a group called One Taste. What's that? My inquiring mind wanted to know... So, I googled it.

Anyone for NAKED YOGA?
Yep, they have that, both women only AND co-ed... and (I kid you not) Saturday's workshop was a day long guided Orgasmic Meditation class with instructors ready to teach the right strokes to use to achieve ultimate pleasure.

H E L P!!!

Trouble is I gave him my phone number before I did my research. Think I should answer the phone when he calls?

I really want to know, are there any normal guys left?

Luv,
Vanessa

Teach your Parents well

2008-01-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

My parents, my parents, where do I start? Pains in the asses that they are, they FINALLY like my ex, now that I don't anymore. Figures!

I tricked them into meeting him this New Year's weekend. Now that I'm living on my own I threw a party, invited them all and just didn't tell them that he was coming. I did it to prove a point, that he's not this awful cretin, but a regular human being. See, they're a little racist. When we were dating they refused to meet him, convinced, just because he's Puerto Rican from the Bronx, that he was after me for the 'white girl's' money. He wasn't. Still isn't. He's in love with me still, even with all my faults.

So, there they all were Saturday night. I thought my dad tensed up when they first met; but, even he lightened up as the football game went on and he and my ex were speaking the same language.

So, I just brought the subject up for the first time on the phone with my Mom, 'You know that was my ex, right?,' I asked her. 'We weren't sure,' she said, 'We were both pleasantly surprised at how much better looking, well built,
articulate, polite he was.'

Now they like him I don't.
Nice, huh!
Luv,
Vanessa

Wash The Sheets!

2008-01-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

Here's what happened my New Year's Eve... Sex with the Ex. Yep. Why? 'Cause he's clean, up for anything and worships the ground I walk on. (Well, lie on really...)

How quickly night turns into day though and 'Leave, Leave' is all I'm thinking while he's trying to go another round. That's when I said 'I'm not in the mood'. WHO??? says that? ever?! Embarrasing to say the least but it did the trick.

Now, if I was in love with him he'd be the perfect guy! He calls, e-mails, texts, tells me he's missed me, calls it making love, wants to hold me in the morning, take me to breakfast... But it's not him, he's just NOT the one.

I couldn't get rid of him fast enough and then I washed the sheets.

I'm bad, I know, but I'm holding out for love.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Luv,
Vanessa

Luv Vanessa (Warning Label) Small Print

2008-01-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Important Safety Information:

Luv Vanessa is not for everyone. Luv Vanessa may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while reading Luv Vanessa. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop reading Luv Vanessa.

I LOVE a scandal!

2007-12-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

Who knew?

John Edwards a baby-daddy...

Squeaky clean Jamie Lynn a Momma to Be...

So Fun for all of us to see how the mighty keep falling.

I LOVE when hypocrites are exposed.

Who's next?

Luv,
Vanessa

My New HERO!!!

2007-12-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have a new hero.
I met someone who DOESN'T know who Matt Lauer is.
She DOESN'T have a TV.

But if she wanted one she'd get an ex-boyfriend to pay for it.

Let's stick with her!!!

Luv,
Vanessa

X Boyfriends RULE!

2007-12-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

If it weren't for ex-boyfriends...

1. I wouldn't have a job
2. I wouldn't have any money
3. I wouldn't have an apartment
4. I would NEVER go out to nice restaurants,
once every six months when they visit

My advice....

CHOOSE YOUR EX BOYFRIENDS WELL!

Luv,
Vanessa

X Boyfriends

2007-12-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

Who DOESN'T go back to old boyfriends when there's nothin' else to do?
It's so easy these days with impersonal personals like IM and Texting...

Know what? They're BORING! and after 5 minutes there's NOTHING left to say to them.
Guess that's why they're XXXX's !

Trust me, leave them in the past!

Luv,
Vanessa

Beware of the PP (Porn Passenger)!

2007-12-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

It always amazes me how people don't seem to realize that the cameras are always rolling and someone is always watching. As I was going home on the train last night, I noticed that a "gentleman" was sitting in the seat across from me, but facing the opposite direction. As I looked a little closer, I noticed him reading a porn magazine. I couldn't believe that someone would have the audacity to pull something like that out in public. What is on people's minds?! The only thing I saw on the cover was big breasted women in nasty positions. It was shocking. Everytime someone would walk by, he would slip it back into his bag quickly and when the coast was clear, he's pull it back out again. Eventually the female train conductor noticed what he was doing and looked at me to see if I'd noticed too. Without saying anything to him, she sat in the seat next to him to make sure he didn't take it out again. What a ride that was! So beware of the public seat you sit in. The porn passenger may have sat in it before you!

Luv,

Vanessa

Matt Lauer, a SYNThespian?!

2007-12-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced Matt Lauer IS an ANIMATRON after catching him try to play guitar on today's Today Show. Ugh! Could he BE more robotic?

Does anyone understand how he got where he did?

Luv, Vanessa

Be Kind to Your Neighbor

2007-12-12T10:58:00.001-08:00

Please be kind to your neighbor. If you know your breath smells like hot salami or bologna mixed with old cabbage, please refrain from using the following words and/or phrases:

1.) Hello
2.) How are you?
3.) Happy to meet you.
4.) How about a kiss.

Actually, just don't speak. Keep your lips as tight as possible so hell doesn't seep out. Remember, "Fresh breath is the right breath!"

Luv,

Vanessa

The END of Civility

2007-12-12T10:58:00.000-08:00

We know society is in dire straits because...

People clap NO MATTER WHAT Dr. Phil, Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray do/say.

Babies are thrown down stairs in attempted robberies.

Insufferably boring men like Matt Lauer make millions a year as tv personalities.

We care when Prince William and Harry break up with their ho's.

We want to see all the places Britney is bald. Ashamed, but still interested.

We spend our salaries on coffee that takes 10 minutes to order and another 20 to get.

They haven't taken iVillage off the air YET!

WALMARTarians are EVERYWHERE. (Hey, you can get a bra and a gun to put in it at the same time)

Because we think chivalry for men is them actually returning their text messages within 24 hours. ( I always say, if a man can't call he's NOT the guy)

CLEAN YOUR PLATE

2007-12-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Bashy, Bashy Blue says...

In Japan cleaning your plate is an insult, it means you want more, that you're never satisfied. I guess I'm going to be insulting a lot of people...

Luv,
Vanessa

Quote for Today

2007-12-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

Don't taint your musty, hot, slightly oiled, moist, tangled juicyness...

Luv,
Vanessa

Single and Clueless

2007-12-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

For all you poor unsuspecting and clueless souls, this one's for YOU!

Here is a list of 15 things that will let you know you're single again:

1. No more sweet phone calls or brief notes
2. The "It's not you. It's me." Speech
3. S/he's dating your friend and/or sister/brother.
4. He's dating another man.
5. She's dating another woman
6. S/he forgot you on the holidays or on your birthday.
7. S/he stands you up.
8. You caught her/him kissing someone else.
9. They through you out of a moving car or tie you to train tracks.
10. They jump in front of a bus.
11. They take you bungee jumping and cut your cord.
12. They ask if you want to see his/her pistol.
13. When you come to his/her door, they cut the lights off and act like they're not home.
14. They ignore you.
15. And the kicker... They tell you!

In conclusion and in the kindest way possible, GET A CLUE... GET A LIFE!

Luv,

Vanessa

Miss You Lots

2007-12-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

I miss my homeless stalker!
If you're out there Victor, don't be taking money from anyone prettier than me.

PS I'm sure my money bought you a computer so I KNOW you're reading this.

Luv,
Vanessa

Judge Not...

2007-12-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

DON'T Judge* somebody by their addictions
Who knows maybe someday you'll have one in common.
; )

* Especially not people who love to gamble and drink excessively! Anybody wanna hang out???

NO MEANS NO!

2007-12-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Isn't NO the same in every language?!

Our clever friend says, ' No doesn't always mean no!'
We think he's an anonymous date rapist!

luv,
Vanessa

My Homeless Stalker...

2007-12-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Don't be nice! Being nice ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the ass!

I now have a homeless stalker. His name's Victor and he wants to marry me or at least ride my coattails for a while. I gave him money today "for socks and underwear". Boxers to be specific. I'd tell you why he can't wear tighty-whitey's but do you really want to hear? My friends are aghast! 'WHY did you talk to him about his testicle-issues?' I don't know. It's hard to explain. I like listening to people talk. I'm ALWAYS amazed at what comes out of people's mouths when you let them talk. People reveal the most personal things when someone is just listening.

Anyway, my advice to you is, DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!!! Keep moving!

I guess I thought I'd be nice and get into heaven; but, my friend says 'NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!'

Soylent Green

2007-12-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

Anybody hungry?

Greatest Movies Ever???!

Usual Suspects
Coming To America
Fight Club
Glory
GI Jane*
Color Purple*

*(Hey We're chicks what do you expect)

Movies we want to see...

The Muppets Get Gang Raped

Mood Killers

2007-12-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

1. The word "NO"!
2. Married Men who act single
3. Married Men who don't tell you they're married
4. Children of speaking age
5. Children who can open doors
6. Children who don't live with the other parent
7. Photos of Britney Spears
8. STD's
9. Buckley's cough syrup
10. Celebrity crotch shots
12. Cigarette breath
13. Gnarly teeth (BRUSH THEM PLEASE!!!)
14. Hot breath
15. EX's, every one of them!
16. Crowded subway rides
17. A guy who's apartment has no bathroom (Yeah, I've been there)
18. Roving eyes
(Just go. If you can't even stay focused looking in one direction what else can't you do?!)
19. Using the word "MOIST" as a pick up line, for instance walking up to a woman and exclaiming, "My God You're moist."
20. Do you REALLY need that little blue pill?
21. Parole

and yours are?
Luv,
Vanessa

Knowing you're alive....

2007-11-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

Knowing you're alive makes me question the existence of God.
Knowing you're alive makes me pissed off!
Knowing you're alive makes me vomit.
Knowing you're alive makes me drink, HEAVILY!
Knowing you're alive makes me question the substance of all existence on earth and the universe.
Knowing you're alive makes me not want to be.
Knowing you're alive makes me want to stand in oncoming traffic.
Knowing you're alive makes me wish I were brain dead.
Knowing you're alive...

Drink don't think!

2007-11-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

Based on a recent study more toxins were found in water than in alcohol. In conclusion, It's better to talk stupid and drink wine than to talk shit and drink water!

Luv Vanessa

Three things you have to do in life...

2007-11-29T07:58:00.000-08:00

Your born, you pay taxes and then you die. That's what it is all about. Have a good life!

Luv Vanessa